NORFOLK, VA—Saying it was by no means too early to start instilling the values they consider in, liberal dad and mom Christopher and Stacey Castaneda confirmed Friday that they had been struggling to discover a college district with high-quality drag queens. “We’re committed to finding a school system that has well-paid, skilled drag queens who can provide our son with the kind of education he needs to be successful,” mentioned Christopher, including that the kid’s present college has a ratio of just one drag queen for each 32 college students, leaving little time for one-on-one instruction. “We want Caleb to have access to a wide variety of styles—fish drag, camp queens, activessles—not just the same old busted Tina Turner impersonator he has now. Ideally, we’d have him in a drag queen–immersion program, but at the very least, we want a district where its a core part of the curriculum. Stage presence and wow factor are a must, and if the queen is bilingual, that’s even better.” At press time, the dad and mom introduced plans to enroll Caleb in personal college after witnessing St. Edward’s Academy’s completely beautiful autumn drag pageant.